XII.

Well. I haven’t written. All I can say is I feel a change happening. Something purely on the inside. Like something big is building up inside of me and it can either burst at any moment or grow in size. And in all honesty, it doesn’t feel good. I feel scared and alone and powerful all at the same time. I feel empty but full of wonder. Full of questions, full of shame and anger and happiness and optimism. I feel it all. I feel full of it all. One moment I’m picking myself off the ground. The next, I’m eye to eye with the pavement. I haven’t got a grip on what’s up and what’s down right now. Is the falling a part of it? Or is the falling it? Either way my knees fucking hurt from all the metaphorical shit eating. When I’m full of the ‘good’ stuff though I feel unstoppable. The beauty of everything is magnified and I see a clear path to my next destination. It’s a race there until I have to duck for shelter and the path fades away. But what fun’s a path anyway? I seem to like doing things the hard way with my track record. So I go off path. One foot in front of the other - always forward never back. And the sky will clear I’ve found. I have to remember that even though the bad fills me up, I’m grateful I’m still full. Still feel. Still exist. So for now, all there’s left to do is keep walking.