VI.

In this lonely chapter of my life, I’ve been taking a lot of time to reflect. Reflect on who I am, who I was, who I want to be. It turns out turning inward isn’t an easy feat. In reality, it’s actually extremely painful and overwhelmingly uncomfortable in almost every way. For me, looking at myself from the inside out and recognizing my flaws seemed the farthest thing from natural. I didn’t want to face the hurt. I didn’t want to face that all the things I thought about myself were actually true. Good or bad. I wondered how I got so far from myself. It’s true I was a lonely child. I never felt a belonging. My charm and humor came from an intense insecurity and sadness - which in turn, created this class clown persona that I promptly adopted. I liked being laughed at. I transferred schools, perfected my performance, but as soon as people got too close, it’s as if my darkness chewed them up and spit them out. I was too much. We grew apart. This all to say, as an adult, I’ve become someone who pushes people away before they get too close - before they’re able to see the hurt. And then, I complain about not having friends or maintaining relationships when I’ve created this impossible challenge rigged to fail. What kind of fucked up game is this? One I created. Haha. Life is long and life is short. It’s about reflection and perspective and messing up before things get better. It’s healing to write and see the words you’ve been feeling so long turn into something physical. I’m still in reflection mode. I assure you I don’t have a single thing figured out. But something inside me is starting to grow. I guess we’ll see what comes of it.